It does not get better....

it does not get better...

At no stage of motherhood you can say that it gets better with time. It never gets better the challenges change but these are a constant. When you deliver the baby, bearing the pain of labor or of the stitches and a weak body felt the hardest, then long feeding sessions felt more difficult, sleep deprivation, responsibility of a new being when you are at your worst makes a lot of us go into depression.

The emotional turmoil that has engulfed my thoughts these days makes me feel like this is the most difficult phase to go through. When your 1year old cries her lungs out for you and you try to convince yourself that it is for the best, it is not easy. When she continuously looks at you teary eyed and you leave her with complete strangers it takes a great deal of strength. Be it at a daycare or a nanny nothing comes anywhere close to what a mother can offer. You know it all, the pros and the cons, but you still drag yourself in this situation.

You are constantly questioning the choices you are making,trying to support it with rational and pragmatic arguments but it all comes down crumbling seeing your little one in tears, when she holds you tightly to never let go. You feel like no less than a monster to leave her crying to pursue your so called “career” which at this stage for most of us is only about sustaining it. For we have all met women who quit to take a break for their kids but could never get out of that break, be it for the lack of the opportunities for them or for the lack of the support or for the lack of confidence after a while.

At this point I am just praying for me and my little one to survive this phase and hoping that all this trauma does not get manifested into her impressionable mind in anyway.